storms in pernambuco

 maybe it's misplaced, but i sometimes worry about my girlfriend......ever since she has dived head first into refining herself as a spirit medium, she has been tired all the time.....always psychographing letters, giving people messages from their passed loved ones, making passes, having conversations in the cemetery..........the problem being it exhausts her, drains her emotionally all the time.....she sleeps so much and yet is always tired........elize is strong and determined, but sometimes too much for her own good........as much as she is getting her abilities stronger, i worry about them getting her hurt, the spirits.....i have never seen anything myself, so i don't know how it feels, but i can see it's not easy to have this constant connection with them....whenever she drinks now, it gives way for them to possess her....she goes around the bar telling people of their future, crying with them.......i try and get her home with her stumbling all over, still coming back...

  I'm a little curious of you in crowded scenes And how serene your friends and fiends We flew and strolled as two, illuminated gently Why don't you close your eyes and reinvent me? You knew you got that heart made of stone You shoulda let me know You coulda let me know We'll go 'til morning comes And traffic grows And windows hum Spending all week with your friends Give me evenings and weekends Evenings and weekends I could be yours We can unwind All these half floors All these half floors You'd agree it's a typical high You fly as you watch your name go by And once a name goes by Not thicker than water, nor thicker than mud And the 8K thuds, it does Sunset, so thickly Let's make it quiet and quickly Don't frown Tastes better on the way back down I could be yours We can unwind All these half floors All these half floors All these half floors Will lead to mine We are all curious We can unwind  All these half floors All these half floors Will lead to mine...

 my band with elize is getting bigger......people have begun to know us around the scene, and say hello.....i'm feeling like i've finally found my place in this world, amongst my lover and these other punks, goths......emos....all in between.......... at work, i have now officially a friend group.....kamila and now socorro, who started working in the booths just a bit ago, but we hit it off....they are very smart....we all exchanged numbers and even though they're not exactly into music they still show up in our shows just so we can all drink together, me, elize, kamila and them....we have deep talks about the universe.......and then we also laugh together at the most stupid things..... i fell loved....love is too good, romantic, platonic love, all kinds of love......when the world is so bleak, and cruel, so filled with pain, so gray, so violent, so bloody, so hopeless......love stands all.......

 i'm still in disbelief of what i just experienced....... elize had always told me she used to see spirits as a child.....and that she still sees them sometimes, but she had been reading a lot about being a medium.......going to spiritist centres, to umbanda terreiros, getting involved.....and yesterday at night she told me.......my father had a message for me.....and she wrote down things as if under a trance, with her eyes closed as her hand moved with the pen on its own......my father's handwriting. calling me "galeguinho", his nickname for me, something i never told elize........telling me he sees a bright future for me, full of light.....that i'm doing just fine.....that i became a fine man.......i broke down crying............... elize was drained afterwards, but she was happy to get the message through, and i was amazed at her abilities.....she has always had a link to the other side, it's completely true, and it's getting stronger.... we visit grav...

 today marks 12 years of you being gone, dad.........i'm at the point in which i have spent more years without you than with you....... 12 years since, without you, we fled our town, our state.......in search of what? a better life in são paulo? that's what mom has always justified, but i think she was trying to flee from the pain.........like it permeated the land, a poison she needed to get away from..........all your things left behind under the bed, still there a decade unmoved......... so missing pernambuco is missing you too..........for long i have been missing you now, for most of my life now. you never met my partner....and you won't.........you will never see me grow. i try not to think about you when i can, but this day is always hard.....always. i hope you're up there somewhere when i look into the sky at night from the road, i always wonder......where you ended up. 

 i'm happy to say things have been nice and calm. recently a new coworker has become a friend of me and elize. her name is kamila. she is also a fan of our band, usually the only one to be there every show....i think this is my first friendship in a long time. you see, besides elize, i don't really have bonds with anyone else.. when we were kids, i was a loner at school.....it's probably easy to guess just by looking at me, but i was bullied..... elize has always been social but she didn't like her friends, they didn't match her interests....so she ditched them for me and the rest was history.. we grew up and things stayed mostly the same....she made new friends, and i tagged along not making any of my own. ...i always feel inadequate if i'm not by her side. i stutter horribly....my hands shake....like a recluse creature......but meeting kamila was a first step in a nice direction. i think introverts do good together, and she is also one of those, like me..... a...

 i fell out of practice but i actually liked this one. today i was listening to bananafishbones - the cure, as i made it.