life updates

 i'm happy to say things have been nice and calm. recently a new coworker has become a friend of me and elize. her name is kamila. she is also a fan of our band, usually the only one to be there every show....i think this is my first friendship in a long time. you see, besides elize, i don't really have bonds with anyone else.. when we were kids, i was a loner at school.....it's probably easy to guess just by looking at me, but i was bullied..... elize has always been social but she didn't like her friends, they didn't match her interests....so she ditched them for me and the rest was history..
we grew up and things stayed mostly the same....she made new friends, and i tagged along not making any of my own. ...i always feel inadequate if i'm not by her side. i stutter horribly....my hands shake....like a recluse creature......but meeting kamila was a first step in a nice direction. i think introverts do good together, and she is also one of those, like me.....

adapting to the city was hard, it doesn't care about you.....getting with the crowd, making ends meet......the subway, the cars, the bus.......people making fun of my accent, my food....you know. maybe that's part of where all this social anxiety comes from.....it's hard to fit in..but after so many years, i'm on my way....i have a girlfriend who loves me, and i love her....and now a friend, and a job. i feel like an adult, even if from time to time i still feel small like a little boy....i live...

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 . none of it is real. the cats are not real. the road is not real. i finally see it now. the spirit is the road and the road is the spirit. the road is me and i am the road. we are the road and the road is us. from the road we came to the road we go. the red moths roam. the beast is fed. the beast in me. the beast in us. the end is nigh. and my end is now. for i was not the one.
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about that.

 it seems i went nuts on the blog last night......as usually, i barely remember anything. i blanked.....woke up and had scribbled on pages upon pages.....words i can't decipher.....typed so much, wrote so much my hands are sore.....i really wasn't myself.....more and more i believe on elize's spirit theory........i'm keeping the posts up so i can show them to her.....oh god......i'm terrified......one second i feel okay, and my senses are here with me.......and....and then in others i'm screaming at elize's door......i'm writing on the walls, i'm.........hearing, seeing all of that......i'm missing work days, i'm sleeping poorly. elize is trying all she can, spiritual passes..........reading so much.........she's trying to fix me but...................what if i can't be fixed.......the thing i'm most terrified about is..... .......what if i hurt her again...?
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