the worst mistake of my life.

 maybe i shouldhaveseen that therapist.......,myabe i relaly really really should.....oh i made a terrible mistake, terrible, horrible, i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive myself............i.........i'm going crazy, i'm dangerous............i really hurt elize.....i badly hurt her eye........i think i blinded her.......with a kitchenknife last night........
i was seeing cats, i was hearing it so loud.........the visions are getting scarier, so much red, eyes, i hear screams and car sounds and yyowls................and i saw a monster.......in place of elize.......and my mind went blank for a second and and then.................she had blood coming out of her eye, and the knife was in my hand, and the blood...................on the tip...........dripping down..........

i called for the ambulance............we rushed to the hospital...........it was late at night...........elize.....lied to the doctors about me hurting her.............i shouldve siad it....admitted it but......i didn't...ididnt say anything.........elize........she thinks i'm possessed. maybmaybe............i don't know what's wrorng with my head, if it's a spirit.....or if i'm just.......i'm a horrible mosnter........hurting my one true love, my flower.......while she covers for me all the way.........still holds my hand even after all my violence.....told me we will get though this......together............get the spirit out of me...............oh lord i don't deserve her......myabe i never did..............never.............

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 . none of it is real. the cats are not real. the road is not real. i finally see it now. the spirit is the road and the road is the spirit. the road is me and i am the road. we are the road and the road is us. from the road we came to the road we go. the red moths roam. the beast is fed. the beast in me. the beast in us. the end is nigh. and my end is now. for i was not the one.
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about that.

 it seems i went nuts on the blog last night......as usually, i barely remember anything. i blanked.....woke up and had scribbled on pages upon pages.....words i can't decipher.....typed so much, wrote so much my hands are sore.....i really wasn't myself.....more and more i believe on elize's spirit theory........i'm keeping the posts up so i can show them to her.....oh god......i'm terrified......one second i feel okay, and my senses are here with me.......and....and then in others i'm screaming at elize's door......i'm writing on the walls, i'm.........hearing, seeing all of that......i'm missing work days, i'm sleeping poorly. elize is trying all she can, spiritual passes..........reading so much.........she's trying to fix me but...................what if i can't be fixed.......the thing i'm most terrified about is..... .......what if i hurt her again...?
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