moving in together

we did it! me and elize are officially under the same roof. i finally and gladly left my shabby apartment to my lover’s arms in her lovely little house in campo belo, also conveniently halving the time taken to get to my job in the middle of nowhere..

my dreams of hearing her voice everyday, singing quietly from the kitchen, of watching her just watching mtv cartoons at night and laughing away, of sharing a wardrobe with her stylish and abundant clothes; all of it has come true at once. i am one happy man....
i’m lucky her parents like me; to be honest, i was scared shitless of them... i would stutter and choke on all my words at their sight. but it was unwarranted fears, just like the many i have…..her parents are cool hippies..... her father, of course, an englishman with english money in brazil, which granted her a comfortable life financially - her parents were the ones who bought her our house. he was the one i was most scared of, but his funny british accent was disarming after a while..... we have talks about punk music sometimes, and maybe that’s why he likes me..the “ramones” situation with my name also seemed to amuse him greatly..

elize and i are closer than ever now, which erupts a few fights over the most inconsequential things such as whether to keep the ceiling fan on or not, or the smell of my socks by the door. but i think that is also a sign things are good, in the end. and they are…well, i love her. sometimes i don’t feel like i even deserve her at all……..

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 . none of it is real. the cats are not real. the road is not real. i finally see it now. the spirit is the road and the road is the spirit. the road is me and i am the road. we are the road and the road is us. from the road we came to the road we go. the red moths roam. the beast is fed. the beast in me. the beast in us. the end is nigh. and my end is now. for i was not the one.
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about that.

 it seems i went nuts on the blog last night......as usually, i barely remember anything. i blanked.....woke up and had scribbled on pages upon pages.....words i can't decipher.....typed so much, wrote so much my hands are sore.....i really wasn't myself.....more and more i believe on elize's spirit theory........i'm keeping the posts up so i can show them to her.....oh god......i'm terrified......one second i feel okay, and my senses are here with me.......and....and then in others i'm screaming at elize's door......i'm writing on the walls, i'm.........hearing, seeing all of that......i'm missing work days, i'm sleeping poorly. elize is trying all she can, spiritual passes..........reading so much.........she's trying to fix me but...................what if i can't be fixed.......the thing i'm most terrified about is..... .......what if i hurt her again...?
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